Autopsy or Delicious Treat? You decide.

Noticed this one out of the corner of my eye and did a double take, 'cause I was sure it was a still shot from an autopsy. Instead, it's a King Cake -- the well-known traditional cake for Mardi Gras celebrations. Now, ask yourself: Would you wanna eat this:

Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah and fucked up real good.

Or this?

What a King Cake SHOULD look like.

Yea, I thought as much.

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Sexist video games? What will they think of next?

Um, when did video games with dragons in them become an irresistible draw for all women? The dudes who cooked this shit up think because this game allows the player to "nurture a baby dragon," it's got women written all over it. They actually got a brass pair big enough to link raising a virtual baby dragon to motherhood -- 'cause you know, the two are sooooooo similar. I mean, if I had a nickel for every time one of my friends with children said: "Gosh, this kid can breathe fire like nobody's business, you know, just like a baby dragon. I'm so glad I played that video game before having a family. Really prepped me for real life."

Well, ain't this a bitch?

Schadenfreude, my friends. Schadenfreude. Leave it up to the Germans to create a single word that literally means: taking joy in other people's sorrows. (Before any Germans get all defensive, relax, I'm one of you. Though God only knows where I got my humor. Let's face it, you are not a funny people. But I digress.) 

Schadenfreude is summed up perfectly in this dumb Facebook ad:

Tired of combing through Web search upon Web search for funny accident photos of people knee-deep in the shit of their lives? Now you don't have to: Some sick fuck cataloged 'em up real good for you.

"Accidents suck." Yes, yes they do. But when they're someone else's accidents, well then it's a belly-laughing free-for-frickin'-all. Drink up, 'cause Bobby just drove his car right into Tommy's pool! Wooooooooooo! Sucks to be them right now.

Just remember, karma's a real bitch.

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A Tale as Old as Time

You'll laugh. You'll cry. Mainly, you'll be confused, but that's not important. One day, they'll rule us all -- but for now, enjoy the bittersweet story of two robots daring to fall in love. Have a box of tissues, a can of oil and a USB port handy.

Tech it out!

Looking for a new career? Consider becoming an Ultrasound Technician. Think about it, you can look inside people -- and, based on the image in this ad, in as little as 18 month you can compare tiny plastic babies to the real thing. Not just anyone can do that, you know. You need a degree. And a very tiny plastic baby.

Everything Old is New Again

...and the award for Oldest-Looking 22-Year-Old goes to: this guy on the Florida state driver's license. He may have arthritis, but this young whippersnapper qualifies for insurance rates as low as $14.98 per month. So he's saddled with always being the one in his posse to pony up for alcohol, it's the least he can do considering he's saving all that money on car insurance.

Downward Facing Dope

So, let me get this straight -- if I refinance, I'll become bendy? Well, sign me up! Oh, and where's the bridge in Brooklyn that's for sale? Might as well get in on that deal, too!

"I'm happy I lost my job."

Everyone's had the unfortunate experience of losing a job, but there's always a silver lining. Take these fine ladies, for example. Sure, they coulda let being laid off really get to them -- but NO! They used their ingenuity take them to Google, where they now earn $7,000 a month from just a $1 investment. Sure, it sounds like a get-rich pyramid scheme that sounds too good to be true, but how else do you explain how they paid for those skimpy bikinis? Hmm? Yeah, next time you go being all cynical and shit, you just think about that.

Give the gift of excruciating pain!

It's like Groupon has access to my brain. How did they know I wanted a manicure that would polish up my nails real pretty, but also provide me with Wolverine-like claws perfect for self-defense? I mean, who wouldn't wanna walk around with razor-sharp claws? Sure, getting everyday tasks done may prove difficult (going the the bathroom immediately springs to mind), but who cares when your nails look this bitchin', right?

Church Ladies

Dumb Facebook Ads' first viewer submission comes from Nick, who passed along this strange gem:

"This appeared in my sidebar this morning; I need to find out what church that is...." -Nick 


LOL, good luck on your mission! And, thanks for the send.


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Become a Nurse!

Into anime porn? Thinking of becoming a nurse? Well, you're in luck: Your favorite pastime and your career path have just been gene spliced into one convenient course of study! Imagine -- in just a short time you'll be donning that retro pink nurse's uniform and helping sick people in your community. Or, if you can't pass the boards (and something tells me that's a very distinct possibility considering your predilection for anime porn) you can just keep the uniform for those endless nights of LARPing.

Shark Week!

I know people who live in California -- and this may come as some surprise to the fine marketing team who created this Facebook ad -- none of them wrestle great white sharks.* I think it's a fair assumption that 99.9% of the people who reside in California don't engage in this activity. And, the other .1% probably don't do it on purpose, since they're likely just trying to catch a righteous wave, dude.

*...but if you're going to wrestle a shark, this is probably the best position to be in.

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For the S&M buff who has everything...

You may be asking yourself: Who would need a leather desk dog? Who, indeed? But, should you find that person (or be that person), this handy desktop accessory makes the perfect gift. Plus, it's a good conversational piece -- or a very good way to keep certain coworkers from speaking to you in the first place. Then again, you may draw the kind of attention you never, in your wildest dreams, anticipated.

Whoever smelt it, dealt it.

Ladies, we all know the one and only reason a man pursues you is because he's lured to the scent of your deodorant. So, when you wanna snag a hot POA, all you hafta do is lather on a thick application of anti-perspirant and you'll be beating them off with a stick.

Apparently, you'll be courting male suitors of the human variety, but paranormal types as well. Be sure to consult your Guide to Cryptozoology before leaving the house. Battling a vampire is quite different than fending off a werewolf. When in doubt, carry a silver bullet and pop some Garlique.

Admit it.

You can't wait for the day your kids fly the coop. You never really liked them to begin with. So, what more fitting gesture than to toss their asses out with a parting gift? Consider: Cardboard Furniture. It's cheap AND practical -- 'cause when they call to ask you to wire some cash for their heating bill, you can always tell them to just use the "furniture" as kindling.

Um...

If the world ended in 2012, then who's going to be around to "rebuild" it? This must be one difficult game.

Well, it worked...

...you got me to look, but there ain't no way I'm gonna refinance anything with your company. Could you have picked a creepier looking specimen? No, that's not a dare. Don't try. Please.

New City, New Fish -- Same Dumb Ad

OK. If I wasn't from NY, based on Facebook sponsored ads alone, I'd think it was the most bitchin' place to catch GI-NORM-OUS iridescent fish. FYI -- it's not. Oh, and that's also true of ANYWHERE ELSE ON EARTH.

It's an epidemic!

I dunno, now it's happening in Jersey City. Go figure.

Gone Fishing?

There are definitely 365 things to do in Staten Island, but I'm pretty sure catching a gi-norm-ous iridescent fish isn't one of them. Thanks Facebook ads for relevant suggestions, as always. (Oh, and btw, if you are trying to drum up traffic to Staten Island -- you might want to actually spell it right. Just a thought.)